Highs are great aren’t they?
Euphoric, wonderfully empowering almost majestic feeling that you can do anything be anything, go anywhere. I’m not talking about drug induced highs, (they have their own benefits and downsides lol but that’s another blog altogether) I’m talking about the feeling you get after a few days of feeling like total shit and suddenly the dark humid clouds seem to have parted. You think WOW, this is great, the storm has passed, I feel better. All of a sudden, your fears are blown away by a new found courage, your procrastination is set aside by determination, the sadness is a distant memory and you’re wondering if only for a minute, why the fuck you felt so shitty yesterday. Now you’re ready to take on the world. You start planning all the wonderful amazing carpe diem stuff you are going to do to make your life awesome. You look in the mirror and you think “DAIIIIM I LOOK GREAT TODAY”, maybe even give yourself a little wink. You throw on some clothes and hit the road. This is my day, this is it, this is the first day of the rest of my life, WOOHOOOOOOO! You join a dating site, start a blog, tell your friends all the great ideas you’ve had, start looking for spiritual retreats, subscribe to 100 YouTube meditation videos you sincerely plan to do every night. Life doesn’t get any better than this…… and then BOOOOOM you’re free falling without a fucking shute!
There is no fluffy bouncy pad at the bottom, in fact you’re not even sure there is a fucking bottom. All you know is that you’re falling, and each moment is more painful and scarier than the last. WTF is going on, what just happened?
If this only happened once, it would scare the shit out of you but you could move along and get on with things. What confuses the heck out of me is that this has happened to me so many fucking times and STILL, I don’t recognise it when its happening. When im having the high or the climb, its like the part of my brain that knows what happens next decides to fuck off on holiday for a few days without so much as leaving a note. So I climb and climb and climb like the cliff hanger on the price is right, remember him?
Only I don’t stop near the top and take home a luxury holiday in Cancun and $10,000 in cash. I climb and then base jump off the top. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Right about here I’d love to write some wonderful words of wisdom, something to provide hope to anyone reading this looking for answers. I’m still trying to figure it out myself.
For the record, I haven’t been diagnosed with any particular disorder. I know this blog screams of bipolar, or Cyclothymia. Over the last 20 years I have suffered with generalised anxiety, depression, postnatal depression, derealisation, depersonalisation, health anxiety, (the little known) relationship obsessive compulsive disorder and grief. I’ll venture deeper into the historical side of my journey in another post.
My shining light and glimmer of hope is my current counsellor. Ive been seeing her for 2 months now and she has a way of making me look at myself from perspectives I didn’t even know existed. Here’s to hoping I can sort my head out once and for all. Find some balance, some peace and find me.